I woke up having contractions this morning... Low ones, kinda painful ones... Not just the usual tight feeling. I have an NST appointment at 11am. They will measure my contractions and monitor the baby for a while. They will probably check to see if I am dilating or effacing at all. I am curious to find out how my body is progressing right now. The time is near! 1 week and 5 days until my due date ahhhhh!
I have slowed way down on providing childcare for Maggy's kids. I only have them on Mondays and Tuesdays from 1:30pm to 5:00pm then from 5:00pm on, Stephanie takes over. She has them the rest of the week too. It has been a tremendous relief. I have now completely stopped driving. Josh takes the van to work and Maggy simply takes me to my morning Dr appointments and picks me up on Mondays and Tuesdays so I can babysit. A lot of activity and stress has been lifted off me which has really made me more comfortable. I was put on bed rest weeks ago because of my contractions at my NST appointments, and for a while they were pretty bad and happening everyday. Now I just lay down and drink tons of water when I start having them and they go away. I feel so much better, and my BG levels have gotten better too. It's amazing how much of an effect stress and activity level can have.
Unfortunately, now I find myself a bit lonely. I am home alone all the time now and though it gives me lots of time to rest and relax, I miss my sweet heart. I really enjoy solitude and always have but I also feel a little deprived of time with Josh. He is always working and when he is home, it seems he is winding down for sleep. They have him working overtime for the next few weeks which is wonderful financially but means he is gone from 4:30am (has to be at work by 5am) until 6:00pm (gets off at 5:30pm). Then he is so incredibly tired he is usually in bed by 9ish, so I interact with him for about three hours a day give or take. When he was not working overtime, he would do four 10 hour days (M-Th), get home at 4pm and not work on Fridays so we would always have an extra long weekend together but he is going to be pulling 8-10 hours on Fridays for a while too. He takes the opportunity to get overtime whenever his work will allow and I guess they have a big need for it right now. This is good for us, but hard on the soul.
I am so incredibly huge and pregnant now. I am 36 weeks along today. I have exactly one month... just 4 more short weeks until my due date. Although my doctor predicted a few weeks ago that I would have the baby around 37 weeks because of my contractions (from 37-40 weeks you are considered full term). That would be one week from now... good god I hope that doesn't happen! I want the baby to cook for as long as he needs to =) Josh likes to tease me and calls me his "turtle with her shell on the wrong side" because it seems everything I do is in slow motion and getting up from laying down is difficult lol. Both of us are so excited for the arrival of our baby!
- I feel:excited
—YOUR BOY SIDE—-
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
 Shopping is torture
 Sad movies suck.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
 At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
 You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
 Gory movies are cool.
 You go to your dad for advice.
 You own like a trillion baseball caps.
 You used to collect hockey cards.
 Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
 It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
 You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
 Sports are fun
 You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once
—-YOUR GIRL SIDE—-
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner.
[x] You wear the color pink.
 You go to your mom to talk.
 You consider cheerleading a sport.
 You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
 You cried watching The Notebook.
[x] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
 Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
 You don’t like the movie Star Wars
 You are/were in gymnastics
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up
 You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] You like putting make-up on others.
 You like being the star of everything.
 Pink is one of your favorite colors.
• Appearance •
[x] I am shorter than 5′5″.
 I have many scars.
 I tan/ burn easily.
 I wish my hair was a different color.
 I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[x] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.
• Embarrassment •
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
 Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
 I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
 I’ve had my pants rip in public.
• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[x] Broken a bone.
 I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I’ve had serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.
• Traveling •
[x] I’ve driven / riden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
 I’ve been to Cuba.
 I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
 I’ve been to Ottawa.
 I’ve gone to Sudbury.
 I’ve been to the Caribbean.
 I’ve been to Europe.
 I’ve been to Florida.
• Experiences •
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
 I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
 I’ve been to a casino.
 I’ve been skydiving.
 I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[x] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
 I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten Sushi.
 I’ve been snowboarding.
• Relationships •
 I’m single.
 I’m in a relationship.
 I’m engaged.
[x] I’m married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
 I’ve gotten divorced.
 I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
 I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
 I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
 I’ve been arrested.
• Death and Suicide •
[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
 I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
• Materialism •
 I own over 5 rap CD’s.
 I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
 I own something from Pac Sun.
 I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on E-Bay.
 I own something from Abercrombie
• Random •
[x] I can sing well .
 Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
 I open up to others easily
[x] I watch the news.
[x] I don’t kill bugs
[x] I sing in the shower.
 I am a morning person.
 I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
 I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
 I have “?”’s in my screen name.
 I love spam.
 I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
 I would wear pajamas to school.
 I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
 I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes
 I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
 I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
 I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
 I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[x] I’m good at remembering names.
 I’m good at remembering dates.
 I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] All my answers were totally honest
- I feel:blah
My mom was a giver by nature and she did all she could to help others who suffered from her disease, NBIA. She participated in research during her life and donated her body and brain to OHSU to further research on her disease. Please continue her giving spirit by donating to the NBIA Disorders Association in her honor. It doesn't have to be a lot, it just has to come from the heart in the spirit of giving. Every little bit helps.
In just a little while I am off to Josh's mom's house to meet up with her and Stephanie so we can make plans for the baby shower. Then later Maggy and I are going to home depot to buy paint for the baby's room and the bathroom. She is also going to take the remaining things she left here when she moved including tons of cloths, the girls' dresser, TV, VCR and stacks of kid movies so we can make more space in the baby's room. I have been deep cleaning and "nesting" all weekend. I have a nice big pile of things that need to go to goodwill so maybe I will drop it all off today as well. I finally feel like I'm making some progress in my baby preparations!
- I feel:excited
Well, here it goes... My mom's memorial service is today at 1pm. I stayed up too late last night tweaking with the slide show to get the songs and timing just right. Hmmm maybe I should have done that weeks ago but hey it's just like my old college days, staying up late to get my project just perfect. Everything is ready now... It's actually hard to believe this is actually going to happen this time. I am worried some people are not going to come who had originally planned on making it because of the time that has passed and how their grief may have faded. Mine certainly hasn't. Last night, as we were working on it, Maggy and I watched that slide show over and over again, paired with the music and the first few times we both had a pretty good cry, but I don't think I managed not to shed at least a few quiet tears each time it played. Anyway, I have to hurry and get ready, I need to be there at noon to get things set up.
- I feel:Sad
Fucking cat just dumped my cup of water from my headboard all over me, all over my pillows, all over my sheets and blankets, oh he is lucky he is a good hider. The worst part is, I just washed it all yesterday. Oh I am just fuming... beyond pissed.
So Josh woke me up to take him to work at 4:30am as usual but this morning the car would not start. Just what we need right now. I called Maggy and she picked him up and drove him to work. There are not many people you can call at 4:30 in the morning for such things. Anyway, even though I did not have to drive for an hour this morning, I still can't get back to sleep. Then the cat does this shit and now I can't even use my bed or my pillows. I am so sick of getting woken up in the middle of the night to take Josh to work. Since it takes me so long to fall asleep in the first place at night, this interruption breaks up my sleep to such an extent that lately, I rarely get more then 5 hours all together and no more then 3 hours at a time.
I go to bed around 11ish. I toss and turn, get up frequently to pee, try to get comfortable and if I am going to fall asleep at all before I have to take Josh to work, I seem to finally fall asleep in the 2am hour. I then get up at 4:30am, drive until 5:20am, go back to bed, finally fall back to sleep sometime around 8am, and sleep until 11am. So it seems it takes about 3 hours to fall asleep and I actually sleep for about 5 1/2 hours, if that. Napping during the day is not an option atm because I have the kids from 1:45pm until 10:30pm. I can't take it anymore, this sucks.
Plus, I am freaked out now because I have to figure out WTF is wrong with the car and how we are going to manage without it until we fix it. We can't afford to fix anything right now. How is Josh going to get to and from work? The bus does not even run early enough for him to get to work. How am I going to get to Maggy's? How am I going to pick up Trinity from school? Maggy's car won't even fit all of the car seats so she can't bring the kids to me. Hell she can't even come get me because Bobby goes to work before she does and she can't just leave the kids alone to come here and pick me up and since she can't fit them all in the car she can't load them up to come get me either. It makes me realize how ridiculous it is that everyone counts on me driving so much. Oh what a morning it's been so far and it's not even 6:30am yet.
- I feel:Pissy
Lately, It's been hard to sleep at night. The baby loves to be awake and kicking when I lay down. Also, every time I lay down I get heart burn and acid reflux, which then makes me nauseous... nice little side effects of pregnancy. I have to sleep with a bowl next to me in case I have to puke. I never had morning sickness in the first trimester so I guess my luck ran out. I went to bed earlier and eventually gave up so now I am just sitting here uploading pictures on facebook. Josh's sister Miranda created a facebook account today and she hasn't seen a lot of the wedding pics so I decided I should put them up. I meant to do it a long time ago, I just never got around to it. I have to take Josh to work in 3 hours. It sucks having one car. I know at some point in my pregnancy I am supposed to stop driving but I'm not sure when. I guess when there's no more room for my belly between the seat and the steering wheel lol. Well, I'm just rambling. I'm going to finish my picture thing and try again to go to sleep for a few hours.
We took Sircle to the vet today to get her follow up testing done. She had blood work to asses her general health and based on the results, to figure out if amputation surgery is an option. She also had a chest x-ray to see if the cancer has mastisized into her lungs. They will call us with the results on Monday. I am hoping to get a very firm prognosis and time line. At this point, if the cancer has spread into her lungs and she only has a few months left I don't think we will opt for amputation but rather, we will just keep her on pain meds to make sure she is comfortable. If however the cancer is only localized in her leg and she could live a year or more if it's amputated, then we will consider doing the surgery. Everyone loves her at the vets office and she is so compliant for them. The tech said when they took her in the back she saw a bed that had been made for another patient and claimed it right away lol. My poor baby girl, I hate to see her limping around. These decisions are so hard.
I think we are going to reset the date for my mom's memorial service for Saturday the 10th. So far it looks like the weather should be clear on that day. Who knows with how it's been though. I hope we don't have to cancel and reschedule it again, it's been hard enough to wait this long. The fact that she is really gone seems to be settling in. I think about her all the time and it's still hard to accept that I will never lay eyes upon her again. Josh and I have been discussing baby names a lot lately and I realized I won't be able to run names by her... I can imagine so perfectly how she would react to names she likes or dislikes... I can see her face squench in response to a bad name and I can see her eyes light up and her smile as she says "yeah" to the perfect name. It hurts... and I cry for her.
In other news, I have so many appointments coming up! On Friday I spent a lot of time on the phone with my doctors office. There was some confusion about my OB's order for an ultrasound so they need to confirm what she wants before they will make the appointment. They said they will call on Monday to work it out. I chose another primary care provider since mine moved away months ago. I made an appointment to see her for the first time on the 12th. I really want to see an endocrinologist and so far my OB's have been resistant to giving me a referral so I am hoping my new primary care doctor will help me in this regard. If not, maybe she will at least order the blood tests I want/need done.
Then on the 13th I have my next OB appointment in the morning and a meeting with my nutritionist an hour after that. I need to re-evaluate my diet because I just can't handle it anymore. My appetite has increased so much, I always feel hungry and my after meal BG levels have been completely off target no matter what I eat. Like today, the vet needed to keep Sircle for a while so we went to Denny's to eat while we waited. I had a huge omelet with lots of meat and cheese in it, a small serving of hash browns, two strips of bacon and two sausage links. I have eaten this same order many times (it's what I get every time we go to Denny's) with no problems because there is lots of protein. My blood sugar has always been on target after eating this but today 2 hours after it was 198! Jesus! Also I was extremely drowsy by the time we got home from the vet and slept on and off most of the rest of the day. I just got up about an hour ago, hungry again but curious as to how much my BG went down since I passed out. It was only down to 135. That's like 7 hours after eating... Ug. Now, even though I am starving, I feel like I shouldn't eat again until it goes down some more because it's not supposed to go over 120, and that's two hours after meals. This tells me something is definitely going wacky since eating the same thing didn't spike me before yet it does now. This sucks.
Let's see... to end on a positive note... It's not raining or snowing right now! Yay!
Overshadowing my joy and good times of ringing in the new year last night... is what happened while I was sleeping. I kinda half woke up early this morning and stretched out my legs. Then to my horror my right calf started... well spasming in pain. I mean horrible, intense, completely random, unexpected pain. I grabbed my calf which made it worse and started screaming things like owe, it hurts and some other unmentionable things. My carrying on woke Josh up and he of course thought something must be wrong concerning the baby so he frantically grabbed my shoulders and asked, "whats wrong, whats going on, whats happening!" "My leg, my leg!" is all I could tell him. He laughed at me then! He told me to get up and I was like, "No! I can't stand on it, it hurts sooo bad!" He basically drug me out of bed despite my protesting and made me stand up. It felt immediately better. He walked me around the house for a few minutes and the intense pain was gone, but it still felt like I had a cramp. He said it used to happen to him when he was stretching and putting weight on it immediately is important because it stops the spasming. Apparently, The longer you wait to stand on it the worse it will ache later. I was able to go back to bed after walking for a while and it still aches but I can walk on it without limping. I have had this happen two other times in my life when I was a teen but I never thought to walk on it to stop the pain. I always just laid there in agony until it stopped spasming and then limped for a few days. Putting weight on it seems really counter intuitive but it worked amazingly! So if you ever stretch out your legs and end up with a calf spasm, stand up and walk around!
Other then that my night was great. We went out to dinner and had Chinese food because I randomly wanted it really bad. Later we went to Ted and Steph's to hang out with friends. Everyone molested my now obvious belly trying to feel the baby move lol. After the new year hour came and went we left because I was sleepy. Before going home we gave John B. a ride to Maggy's so he could continue to party and share his beer. We stayed there for a little while and I had to help Maggy to bed because she was pretty drunk. Jessica gave my belly lots of additional love and we finally went home to our freaked out dogs. Molly was shaking and hiding in the bathroom because of the fireworks. Silly dog, she always thinks the world is ending when she hears fireworks. I just hope this year will turn out better then the last.
Today I have been lazy but in about an hour I have to pick up the kids so Maggy can get to work. I'm glad Josh made me stand up on my leg this morning or walking around and taking care of kids this evening would be an ordeal.
- I feel:lazy
Today we are going to Josh's parents house for a belated Christmas dinner. I am quite looking forward to it as we have been stuck at home for so long. Most of the snow from the last two weeks is finally gone! Tomorrow things will return to normal with both Josh and I working again. It has been nice to have such an impromptu break but we are ready to settle back into our routine.
- I feel:relieved
Christmas was... ok. On Christmas Eve we were able to drive in the snow. We went to Maggy's. The only gift I had to give was the CD of childhood pictures for Hillary. I was able to order prints at Walgreens but had no time to pick them up before hand and she had to leave early. I didn't tell her what was on the CD, I just asked her to put it into her computer when she got home so hopefully it was a pleasant surprise. After the snow clears up I am planning on picking up the prints at Walgreens, putting them in an small album and sending it to her by mail with a card. It will be a little late but at least a nice follow up. Josh and I each got a few small presents from the parents and one big one for the both of us... a new Colman camp stove! They said it was a misplaced wedding present that they found in time for Christmas =) That was sweet of them.
Christmas day was supposed to be spent at Josh's parents house and then end at my grandparents house. We tried to leave around noon but got helplessly stuck in the snow right outside of our driveway. The deep snow had gotten soft and melty overnight so there was just no traction at all. We tried to push the van, dig it out, used kitty litter to increase traction etc... we just couldn't get it moving. Josh's brother and step dad came up in their 4 wheel drive truck and helped us push the van back into the driveway. We ended up staying home most of the day. My uncle Joe picked me up later and brought me to my grandparents house. Josh had hurt his knee trying in the process of moving the van and didn't feel like going anywhere so he stayed home.
It was very strange at my grandparents house... Of course not having my mom there was troubling to me. Also my uncle and aunt who live in Seattle couldn't make it in the snow. My cousins were not there either. No one did any gift giving, except my uncle Dean had brought 6 packs of beer to give away. We had a wonderful dinner though. My uncle Paul made prime rib, mashed potatoes and green beans. My grandma insisted on taking a picture of my uncles and I... she put me in the rocking chair and had them stand around me... It reminded me of my mom who always sat in pictures with her brothers. I felt like my grandmother was replacing my mom with me.
Most of the evening I spent being reclusive. I found myself curled up in a recliner in my grandparents room upstairs watching TV. I was feeling sad about it being my first Christmas without my mom and I was tired plus a little nauseous too.
I'm in the midst of cooking Josh's birthday dinner and I guess our 8 anniversary dinner. Ham steaks, scalloped potatoes and green beans. I crave salty. Earlier I searched the kitchen and found a cake mix... it's just carrot cake but at least it's something to make for him. I baked it and frosted it with cream cheese frosting yum. I admit, I had a few guilty bites. Also Jessica came over for a while today and we made peanut butter cookies for the family Christmas Eve party. Neither of us can afford to buy presents for people this year so we thought cookies would be a good enough contribution. I have them all wrapped up and ready to go for tomorrow. Instead of braving the snow and driving all the way out to Estacada to the parents house, I guess we are having Christmas Eve at Maggy's this year which is close enough for Josh and I to walk to if we want. I feel bad that I don't really have any gifts to give, except I did make something special for Hillary. In looking through my God mother's huge box of pictures for pictures of my mom I found tons of Hillary when she was a child. Since Hillary does not associate with Momma Shawn anymore I realized she probably does not own very many pictures of her childhood so I snuck them out of the box to scan them. Momma Shawn is very possessive of those pictures and will not allow them to leave her house. So now I can sneak the pictures back into the box unharmed and give Hillary a CD of her childhood. If I had money I would develop some of them at Wallgreens and put them into an album in addition to the CD. Gotta go oven's beeping!
- I feel:hungry
Well there isn't much to do around here. Josh's work was closed today so he is home with me... but we have been cooped up together in the house for days and we are both feeling so bored. We really need to get to the grocery store so maybe we will make a trip on the bus to Safeway for milk and bread, we can't buy much right now but at least it's something to do.
I was thinking that I have been too preoccupied with my problems lately. I have just been so overwhelmed that it's been difficult to think about or deal with anything else. I decided to write a list of things I am thankful for.
I am thankful that;
My mother got to experience some major milestones in my life before she passed including my graduation, my wedding, and the beginning of my pregnancy with her grandson.
I have a wonderful supportive Husband
Our 8 year anniversary(not of marriage of course but of being together) and his birthday is tomorrow.
Josh is handy and a such hard worker
I have a baby boy on the way
Josh has been so wonderful about the pregnancy
My pregnancy has been going very well despite many potential problems and stress
I helped Maggy find her independence and she is doing well on her own now.
Maggy's kids finally get to live in their own home and experience a nuclear family situation.
I have a loving, helpful family that has been there for me.
My mother insured that I have a large extended family who, while they are not genetically related to me have been a huge part of my life and have given me a sense of normalcy both growing up and in adulthood.
I am now an official member of Josh's wonderful family (they have accepted me for years but now with the marriage and the baby on the way things are just more official and they are really excited to see our family grow)
I have a unique group of friends that have lasted through the years
I have Stephanie, Maggy, Jessica and Vanessa as my best friends... It's funny that I have separate and unique relationships with each of them and they don't really have intense bonds with each other (except Mags and Jess).
I have my mostly well behaved dogs who love to snuggle.
I have a roof over my head and enough food to keep me alive.
Even though now we are totally broke, all of our utility bills and rent are paid at the moment so no more shut off notices and anxiety for the time.
I have a working vehicle
to be continued...
I was interrupted from writing this post because I heard my neighbors making a commotion outside. Two cars had pulled over and were chasing this little spaniel dog that has been a stray around here for months. Maggy and I have both tried to catch it on numerous occasions and we have fed it a few times. It is really skittish and won't let anyone near it. The poor thing is covered in snow balls which have accumulated on it's long fur. I decided to go out and help, I defrosted some of my dog's meat and put it in a small bowl with dry dog food, grabbed a towel and a leash and set out. We cornered the dog in one of the neighbors back yards, with so many people after it, my food was not attractive to it at the moment. Once it was cornered by all of us one of the guys was able to grab it and to my surprise it didn't bite, struggle or anything it just submitted immediately as soon as he had a hold of it. He carried it to his warm truck and said he would take it home, feed it and take care of it. I am so glad that little doggy is off the streets, I have been worried about it for a long time.
- I feel:thankful
We went for a chilly walk with the dogs in the snow last night. We made our way down the alley to the school and fenced dog park where there were two other dogs playing. However as soon as we started to enter the gate of the dog park, the two dogs that were already there got into a very loud fight. One was a pit and the other was some kind of golden retriever mix. They were at the far end of the fenced area from us so it was easy for us to call our dogs back before they could run down there and make things more chaotic for the owners who were trying to break up the dogs. The poor retriever made quite a fuss yelping and crying long after the fight was broken up and the dogs were separated. We decided to leave promptly and just walk our dogs off leash in the big school field away from the sanctioned off leash dog area. My dogs are easy to control off leash and really don't need to be kept in a fenced area anyway. Some people were out with snow mobiles and quads in the field so that was kinda neat to watch. It started to change from snow to freezing rain while we were out and it was heaven to get home and out of the cold. Here are some pictures of our snow storm and the dogs on our walk.( Winter Weather PicsCollapse )
- I feel:cold
The weather forecast was correct, it has been snowing all day. Chains are required to drive and you can get a ticket if you don't use them. I guess I am glad we canceled my mom's memorial service for now. I really do want a nice turnout of the people she would want to be there.
My dogs have been loving romping around outside in the snow. Molly is a complete goofball running wildly and then hitting the ground in play posture making the snow fly around her. Bowser hops like a little rabbit. His little legs make him sink to his belly. Sircle prefers to dig in, sniff and eat the snow as well as to lay in it for long periods of time. We are planning on taking them for a walk to the dog park later this evening. I haven't taken Sircle out for a walk since she started limping and was diagnosed with osteosarcoma (bone cancer). I worry about her overdoing it and her leg hurting more then it already does... but she only has one life to live and she loves walks more then anything. I suppose I can just give her an extra pain pill for the walk to help her enjoy herself more. The cold seems to make her leg feel better too. She has been wanting to be left in the backyard for hours at a time, long after the other dogs are ready to come in. Every time I check on her and she is either laying in a hole she dug in the snow or walking around sniffing and eating snow. I know when she is ready to come back in because she will lay right by the back door in the pile of hay she dug out of our hay bail. If I insist she come inside before she is ready she acts restless, pacing around, pawing at me, howling at me and making a general annoyance of herself until I give in and let her go hang out in the back yard some more. Her limping has been less severe since she has been spending time laying in the snow so it must help the pain some.
The cats pretty much want nothing to do with going outside right now. Loverboy ventures out once and a while but only for about 10 minutes or so and then he yowls to come back in. My Kitten (not a kitten, that is just his name) seems to hate the snow. I tossed him out on the first day because he has never experienced snow before and he kind of panicked because there was no where for him to get away from it. He did the cute, lift your paws up to get them out of the snow dance then when that didn't work he jumped up on the chair on the porch but it too was covered in snow. He tried to go behind the old door leaning on the porch but the wind had even blown snow back there. He then took off to go sit under the car. I called him in 20 minutes later and he has pretty much stayed inside ever since.
At least if the power goes out we know we can easily stay warm if we stay in our room with the three dogs and two cats... it get's toasty with that many bodies in here. Plus we have lots of candles to burn, books to read and Josh has some DND figurines he bought earlier this year that we have not played with yet so it might be kinda fun to brave the storm without power.
- I feel:lazy
It's been a messy, snowy, icy week. It caused us to have to cancel my mom's memorial service on Monday, her birthday. The date was reset for this Saturday, tomorrow. The last few days have been mild enough, however the weather is supposed to get worse tonight and many people are worried that they can't make it to the service so it's canceled again. This time we are not going to reschedule it until after New Years. We will just have to wait a while for things to clear up and for the chaos of the holidays to settle. There is no point to having a memorial service if no one can make it.
I have made a slide show with three parts. The first is my mom growing up. There are some adorable pictures of her as a baby and young child. The second part is all pictures of her raising me. The third part is her with friends and family. The first two parts were easy to arrange chronologically but I found it difficult to arrange the friends and family section that way. I was looking at the pictures for ques on her age at the time by looking at how old the children were in the pictures, how young she looked, whether or not she was in a wheel chair yet, whether or not she lived at home or in assisted living yet etc. It was kind of frustrating. After I arranged it that way the best I could I felt kind of depressed about it because it showed how her disease progressed with the end pictures being of her completely wheelchair bound and looking sickly. I decided I didn't want the last pictures in the slide show to be of her near the end of her life so I decided to randomize the entire section. I much happier with it now.
Vanessa, Maggy and I have been getting crafty putting the picture boards together. I had Wallgreens print a bunch of the scanned pictures so we didn't have to use the originals and could feel comfortable cutting them with boarder scissors and gluing them into collages.
I have been gathering the poetry I have that my mom wrote also the ones that she and I wrote together and the ones I have written over the years that revolve around her. A few years ago I started a writing project with her to make kind of a biography of her life mixed with my experiences growing up as a child of a disabled parent. I never finished it but I suspect I will be working on it in the months to come.
Here is one of the poems we wrote together
Mom: The time we've spent together
Me: Has brought us closer then mother and daughter
Mom: Soothing and nice
Me: Were our long trips and late nights
Mom: We'll remember them forever
Me: As a cherished endeavor
When I was a child, I would hear my mom calling my name when I was away. I would be out playing somewhere or at a friends house and I would just hear her voice in my mind and I would want to respond. Sometimes I would then call her on the phone and she would tell me she was just thinking of me. I have been hearing her a lot lately. My mind's recording of the sound of her voice, the way she said my name, the way she laughed, the way she said "I love you Michelle," repeats every day.
I love her voice. I love her laugh. I can't believe I will never hear her again. I love her so very much. I think I miss her more then anyone.
Mom and I from our trip to Georgia
Last night, when I arrived, her breathing was slow and shallow. Her skin was very pale and so cold. I took her temperature and it was 105. I knew she would not make it through another night. She left us at 9:53pm. She was not in any pain and completely at peace. She is now free of her body, the body that always tortured her so. She can now go anywhere and do anything she desires. May she walk with the angels and watch over us always.
In her life she always helped others when ever she could. This compassion continues into her death as she chose to donate her brain to OHSU for research on her rare disease, NBIA. She will then be cremated and wants her ashes spread in Anthony Lake, in the Blue Mountains of Eastern Oregon.
She is survived by her two loving parents, her five brothers, her daughter (myself), and her unborn grandson who is due in March. Also, there are many others who she shared her life with who are like family to her including; her life mate, his two children and his two grandchildren, her best friend, her five god daughters and her four god grandchildren. Her memorial service will be a week from today, on Dec. 15th, her 49th birthday. She will be forever in our hearts.
Sleep in heavenly peace my dear sweet momma.
Sad. Exhausted. Unsure. Is it really her time? Is it? Will I be there for her last moment? Her... last... moments.
Her fever was 104 this morning. She is still not awake. Her heart is beating, her lungs are breathing but she does not want to be there. Why didn't I go see her the day before yesterday? Her birthday is just 12 days away.
I spent last night with her, slept in her PJs and socks. The nurses were in and out all night. I cried and cried. Let my tears kiss her face. I told her so many things. I sang to her, prayed for her, I wanted so badly to crawl into her hospital bed with her. Mother, my sweet mother. The strongest person I have ever, and will ever know.
So sleepy at 4am. I drive for an hour, to the hill top and back again.
Focus on the lights
Flee from the white lights
Keep up with the red lights
Stay between the reflective lines